Emotions run high when I finally surrender to Him - Jesus, knowing that regardless of the tears that are falling I must trust His decision even if it's not what I had hoped for.
It's the Trusting, that's the hardest for me. It's always been so challenging for me to "Let go and Let Jesus" take care of me and everyone I love. Whether that be a past pain or something else I am very honest in saying it has been an issue.
But tonight as I lay in my bed Jesus was resting deep within my heart and the tears began to fall so did the power of his presence on my soul. I knew that the thoughts I had been having about my future were His not my own.
He gave me reassurance by simply letting me know that what I was in my heart wasn't defined by a certificate or accreditation. He knew the person he created me to be and He knows that I am enough just as I am at this very moment.
I've known for the entirety of my nursing career that the certificate you are given means nothing compared to the accomplishments I have already seen. I have cheated myself for years shrinking myself because of a piece of paper when the entire time I've stood beside the highest levels of certification and mentored them, assisted them, and supported them.
That kind of skill comes from years and years of dedicating my life to helping others and a certificate will never give me that. I felt out of place today, in a world, I now know Jesus never wanted for me and it's hard because I was reaching for something I already was and so much more.
I can't begin to tell you everything I've done over these 10 years but I can tell you every single person I have been with at the end is with me always and although their body is very much gone the impact they had on me before their last breath will remain as a gift from Jesus.
I have been placed in situations only Jesus can take credit for and I pray to continue this for many more years to come. There is something so soul-filling sitting with people in need and at the end of their life knowing no matter how they felt they knew they were loved and their presence was absolutely felt while they were here.
I thought I wanted something different and it's because I am tired. Somedays my soul feels 180 years old and when you care 24 hours a day it will truly have you believing that too. But Jesus is right anything other than what I am currently doing would be cheating me from a life I have worked ever so hard to attain.
I was living my dream - helping people I just was unsure about who I was in Christ when I decided to give up. That's the thing about Jesus unless you are all in you're all out. There's no in-between when it comes to Him and Faith and I can't think of anything worse than being without Him so I guess this is the part when I surrender to his plan for me and not what my heart intended for me.
It's not like he hasn't been trying to tell me. Honestly, there has been sign after sign even today as I drove to my first day of study and although I persevered through it there He was reminding me in the atmosphere of the room, as my car struggled to make it there without breaking down, and in my thoughts as He spoke to me.
And as I sit here I can feel Him. It's overwhelming and so very powerful to know that no matter what He will guide me through it all. I know this is for the best and it's more than I ever wanted. I am a nurse regardless of any accreditation or certificate and what I have done over the years is far more than I could've ever imagined.
I am happy, whole, and proud of everything I have accomplished and I can say that all I ever asked Jesus for was to be a mother and a wife and if anything else came along aside from those things well they were a bonus. When I decided to put Jesus first that meant surrendering all decisions to Him and I guess this me doing exactly that.
I think the most important thing anyone can ever do is know who they are in Christ not the reality of the world. Jesus doesn't care about the piece of paper you receive or sign he cares about what's in your heart and how you treat people.
I know now and it's taken what seems like forever to get to this place of acceptance that what and who I am in Him is far more important than how I am perceived in the eyes of everyone else. The whole point of living a life you love is to be happy while living it, anything else would be a waste of time and Jesus's time too.
Being a Christian takes an incredible amount of strength and obedience it's a lifestyle not just a choice. It's about giving your life to the supernatural forces only the power Jesus can bring into your life while accepting that you are in control of nothing. Faith is guided by so many things but belief in Jesus is the best place for anyone to start.
It's all about Trusting and saying thank you...
Jesus Has Decided...
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